Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
You Might Also Like
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
don’t be scared
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
“What movie?” 🤔
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.