Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he鈥檚 here
Me: 馃槼
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I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
[consoling a friend after a failure] It鈥檚 okay, you can鈥檛 get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad鈥檚 tractors.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Lassie, get help!
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don鈥檛 remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
I鈥檓 won鈥檛 try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich