Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
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“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?