Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
You Might Also Like
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.