I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
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*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47