I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
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Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.
Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.
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Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Jus’ sayin. 😐
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ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)