people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
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My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Don’t talk down to me
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
From my Mom
I am HOWLING at this
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit