I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
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I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk