me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
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Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Truth
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
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Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume