It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
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*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
it must be school picture day
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
I feel it
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire