NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
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I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing