ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
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I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
birds and squirrels envy us
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
A customer told me they were never coming back….
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Gross if literal…Liverpool
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it