DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
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inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
ok this is my dumbest yet
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.