Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
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Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”