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Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
spicy snake
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Um … Hot Wings please
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
is this store having a stroke wtf
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”