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They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
i’m sure it’s fine
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile