If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
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When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Acronyms got me like WTF?
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
When you don’t understand how floors work
got so much cardio in today
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.