A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
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*mops up wine with cat*
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Pot warmers of the day.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…