Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
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The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…