nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
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Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where