What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
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Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Hard not to take this personally
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
estão todos miauvindo?
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.