If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
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Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza