I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
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Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.