Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
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This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”