My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
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One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL