Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
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Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Not all heroes wear capes.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.