HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
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My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.