Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
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My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah