I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
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I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years