@zoebread

brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died

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@damagedprincess

I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.

@citizenkawala

I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.

@primawesome

Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.

@MindyFurano

if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started

Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton

@molly7anne

If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.

For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.

@MsLisaM

I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.

@iamjeffsloan

Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.

@Fun_Beard

Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”

@heatdeath

wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years