Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
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Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
“Why you watching this shit?”
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.