WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
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I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
who wants to go expliring
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.