My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
You Might Also Like
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!