It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
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At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story