Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
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Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
My boss called in sick of me
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?