ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
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Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
normalize having existential bread
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago