Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
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I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Life is a suicide mission.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?