[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
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Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Don’t make me out nice you.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
That 👊
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