In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
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Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem