I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
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My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
🔦🌙👣
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.