Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
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I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs