just gave my 5yo power of attorney
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Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.