[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
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The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Bringing home a sharpie