My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
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[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
This could be us but you eatin’
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!