“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
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Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
🤭😂
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”