[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
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things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.