RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
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I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Mmmm canned fish.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.