Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
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I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf