a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
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The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head