Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
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Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.