Vampire: I can bite you…
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
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I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Cop: Well there you go.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
She stared at me until I paid her.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
“We will wed,” I threatened
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced