Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
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Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!