Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
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I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
how to have an accident 101
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.