first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that
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*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
crazy
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?
me: yeah, I’ve seen it
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…